if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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