blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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