Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
