A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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