My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
