I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
