You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize