it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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