She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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