Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Randomize