FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
