Your dad touched me again.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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