Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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