My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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