arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize