I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Randomize
