I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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