Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
