elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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