She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
