That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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