Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
You have to summon your inner elephant
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
