pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Can't talk, ducks in the car
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
