I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
you inspire me to be a worse person
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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