Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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