I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
