So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
