in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
