I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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