First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
