i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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