So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I will be naked everywhere
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
