I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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