So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
