he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
