Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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