someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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