I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
