Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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