My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Randomize
