shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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