highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
