can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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