And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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