nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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