Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
our cab driver is having phone sex.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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