Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
