im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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