Four minutes until I can fart!
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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