I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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