When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
