I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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