God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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