I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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