So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
