Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize