I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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