You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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