so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
