When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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