dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
