Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
