Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Randomize
