Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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