hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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