the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
