He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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