There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
